A Sort of Homecoming

I wrote this almost a year ago. It seems disingenuous to say I don't know why I didn't post it, because I know exactly why  - I am a shark in the water, and I must keep moving forward or die.

A Sort of Homecoming

"Miles Davis and the Cool’ was playing when I got to the airport," she says. "I think it was kind of appropriate." It was. It also seemed like an incredible coincidence that it should be on the airport PA - mostly it's just announcements about things that were misplaced - relatives or luggage or dignity.  It turned out that the song was just on her iPod.

The song says "Don't wait too long to come home, my how the years and our youth pass on." Very true, of course.  I have been thinking lately how few homecomings lie ahead.  It sounds downcast, but that's just the way of it.  I'm just glad she recognizes it too.

A Sort of Homecoming Pt. 2

36 hours. One viewing of The Lego Movie. One attendance at the Nutcracker Tea to see the boy perform. One birthday party. One very sleepy ride back to the airport on Sunday morning.  

I spent the rest of the day trying to stave off the thought that at least we had 36 hours of being complete again.

Me and the ACA down by the schoolyard

The following is not an endorsement or condemnation of any particular policy - this is simply my experience.  

As my firm provides health insurance to full-time employees, we met with our insurance adviser  to discuss our annual renewal . The result - a 32% increase in the bill.  I've been both anticipating and dreading this meeting, but I have been primarily interested in what would happen to our premiums due to the insurer's response to the Affordable Care Act.

This is where it gets interesting - our insurer, a major carrier, uses individual rates for all enrollees rather than leveling the premiums after a certain number of enrollees. So, I can see how it breaks down.  Here's what happened:  

The rate for our youngest male enrolled employee more than doubled.  The rates for the rest of our male enrolled employees under 40 increased markedly, although not quite doubling.  In contrast, the rates for our oldest enrolled male employees stayed pretty flat.  The rates for the female enrolled employees stayed pretty flat too. 

So what happened? Did some of our staff members suddenly get way more likely to get sick? No,  it would seem that the culprit is the ACA mandate that gender can't be considered.  And, it's pretty well-settled that females use more healthcare dollars than males. So, rates for the younger males go up, but the rates for the females do not come down by a corresponding amount - they stay flat.  This means that the present state of the world is as follows -  the rates are individual in the sense that we get a different one for each of our staff members, but they are no longer individual in the sense that each rate reflects the person's likelihood to avail themselves of medical care.  The actuarial tables are out the window.

Ultimately, as the (co-)employer, I only care about the fact that the check we have to write is 32% larger.  And, because we foot the entire bill for the premium for full-time employees, they don't really have to care either.  If, however, I was a 30 year old male who had to pay some portion of the premium under an employer-sponsored plan, and my share suddenly doubled, I'd be more than a little cranky, and maybe not really be so enamored of the brave new world where political mandates override statistical realities.

Preview of the senior ad for the recital program.

Playing Tennis at a Chess Match

So this is year 3 of competing a ballet duet for the boy, and I think it’s the last. Why, you ask? Let me tell you -  I’ll try to keep it G-rated. Actually, the MPAA would probably rate it PG – since they started giving PG ratings based on things like “intensity,” I’m pretty sure that The Apple Dumpling Gang wouldn’t even get a G rating these days.

 I’m only in this for the art. I like beautiful things, and I like to be challenged.  This is exactly the opposite of what dance competitions reward – the judges go for engaging and accessible. There is essentially nothing wrong with this – if you’re looking for a nice steak, then I could put the best sushi roll in the world in front of you and you wouldn’t be into it.

 Basically, the ballet world has nothing to do with the competition dance world. I’ve had breakfast with people who followed their kids across the country to a summer intensive with a ballet company, and listened to them talk about how they might have to move to get in with a certain company etc. All of which sounded vaguely insane, since we were discussing 12 year-olds.

 In contrast, the competitive dance world is all about presentation. It’s about the dancers, and their relationship with the judges, and the audience. Think about when you went to see Giselle – you think the dancers cared what you thought? Not so much, right? Now think about the all singing, all dancing revue you saw? The dancers all exuded a “love me, love me” vibe all the way through, right?

 I think that ultimately, the ballet numbers don’t resonate with the judges because the judges are not really necessary – it’s not about them.

 But for the dancers, it’s like playing tennis at a chess match – no matter how well they play, it’s just not what the enterprise is about.

Beautiful anyway. I wouldn't have missed it for the world.

Conversations about roadkill

So the daughter and I are driving home from one of the interminable dance competitions, and she sees a dead something in the road.

"There seems to be a lot of roadkill right now."

"Well yeah honey, there are a lot of juvenile animals who have never seen a car. So basically, the smarter ones that have an innate knowledge of math and physics will see the car, estimate the speed it's traveling, gauge the distance, and be able to figure out about when the car will arrive so they can get out of the way. The dumber ones won't be able to do the calculation, and they'll die - it's natural selection."

She nods.

"In a few generations, the squirrels will be able to do calculus"

She laughs.

"I don't know why I even have these conversations with you"

When emails go awry

An acquaintance of mine has both:

a) a common name, and
b) an old gmail account, so he actually got to used his first initial and last name as his address, unlike the rest of us who had to append random characters to ours until it took. Stupid early adopters.

Anyway, as a result of this, he gets misdirected emails on a fairly regular basis, intended for someone with the same name or a similar name. Usually, he just clicks "delete," but this one was too good not to respond to. The regular text is the original email, I wrote the italicized text. I'm not sure at what point, if any, she picked up on the fact that it wasn't her significant other responding, and the irony of her actions may escape her entirely.


I’ve put my responses in italics below. Thanks for listening.

Look Tim, we have a lot to sort out between the two of us to make things work. I see them all as seperate issues but they probably wouldn't be issues at all if we both learned to communicate effectively and worked together on them. Granted mostly I know I need to learn to communicate better, but I'm sure we both could work on this area. I feel that it's really how each of us handles the information recieved from each other that seems to be the problem, if we could somehow work on that then maybe we would feel more comfortable about sharing how we feel about things. So, overall I know we both need to work on communicating and working together and if we could somehow pull that off than all the other issues we have probably would be solved or at least managable.

I completely agree. Communication is the cornerstone of any relationship. I can understand just how important the details are – it’s so easy to send the wrong message, or even inadvertently send the wrong message by not saying anything. Even things as basic as misspelling and poor grammar can undermine a message. Sometimes, it’s even as if we’re talking to a totally different person than we thought we were.

#1 being the budget and our financial situation: so, I'm assuming (because I asked and you never responded) that that was what you were annoyed about with me today.?. I'm trying to stick to the budget this month, but it's very difficult with christmas and my check being short and not having cash (because I suck at keeping track of my spending otherwise). But I'm trying. I know you're discouraged but please give me a chance....starting in Jan. it will be much easier and I will be strict and abide by the budget plan we've decided upon. But that doesn't mean that I'm going to go on a spending spree this month either (unneccessarily). Ok? so we should talk about this because I can change, I can save, and I'm excited about the budget too.

I think this is the communication issue rearing its head again. I know you say you’re committed to a budget, but everything you say is about how certain expenses are outside the budget. When you say one thing and do another, it’s hard to give what you say any weight. I know I can be guilty of the same thing – I’m sure you feel sometimes like you are talking to a whole other person than you had the initial discussions with.

#2 We definitely need to sit down and discuss; work together on how we are going to enforce certain rules that Sophia needs to learn to follow and just in general how we are going to handle situations involving her and later Kai just so we're both on the same page. .....and I don't mean that I'm going to make the rules, I mean that we both share our ideas and come to some sort of agreement on them, so Sophia isn't guessing. Because she's def. at the age where she's trying to see what she can get away with and with whom she can get away with certain things, which if we don't figure this out now she will try and turn us against each other. Ok, so realistically I know all these things are situational....but I think getting her on more of a set routine without bending the rules would help and not talking about things in front of her may be a good place to start. So, what do you think??

Boundaries are important. And again, it goes back to the communication issue. I don’t really see how we can be successful at any of this if you can’t address me directly, and I can’t address you, even by email.

Of course we're hardly alone without the kids but anyway maybe after they go to sleep.... (just so you know, I'm not putting blame on you, I'm speaking in terms of both of us, I'm just as guilty of all of these things). It's just I know neither one of us want our kids to grow up as spoiled, snobby kids.

I think that if we can really find a way to talk about this – where I’m really communicating with you, and you with me, I think it will sort itself out.

I think at the moment these are the most pressing issues for me, feel free to add to the list though I love you, and I love our family. So, sorry about today (or yesterday)....

Just so you know, I have no reason to question your commitment to the relationship. It’s just a communication barrier – sometimes I think that even with all the additional ways to communicate that modern technology creates, there’s even more potential for things like emails to go awry.

Letter to the McCullough principal

I wrote the following letter to the McCullough principal. Unsurprisingly, it had no impact. Nevertheless, it's probably worth republishing here.


"I have been advised that Michelle Foldetta has chosen to resign as the Highland Girls director after the administration chose not to back her in a disciplinary incident involving a student. I cannot help but think that if you choose this path, abrogating both the disciplinary process and individual responsibility, and accept the resignation of Ms. Foldetta, McCullough will be less for it. Here’s why:

I have a shirt hanging in my closet. It’s a work shirt that I had embroidered to say “Highland Girl Dad.” Although I ostensibly had it made to support the daughter at her events when she was a Highland Girl, I always liked the shirt because it spoke of something larger, and I really felt a connection to the program.

Back then, I joked in the family’s Christmas letter about the girls being lectured by Ms. Foldetta as they stretched, on not hugging boys in the hall, on which was the proper fork to use in what situation etc. I mused that perhaps the practice was widespread, that there would be an entire generation of Jr. High school athletes who all learned proper etiquette as they stretched, and could always remember the correct fork. A friend of the daughter who ran track, upon reading that passage in the letter, looked up and said “No, not so much.” Too bad for the track team.

If you have watched the Highland Girls, and by extension the Highsteppers, you know that the style of dance they pursue is exacting, rigorous, and precise. It emphasizes unity and strength over flash. It is old-school. The style is born of tradition, but also embodied in the directors of both squads. To have these high expectations and standards of behavior during such a chaotic time of life as Jr. High school was absolutely golden for the daughter. She will always be, in some sense, a Highland Girl, and that is a direct reflection of the work of Ms. Foldetta.

This is the bottom line for me: the only teachers, coaches, and mentors who ever contributed to my development in any area were the ones who expected something from me, and held me to a standard. Not everybody chooses to exercise the discretion they are given in order to fulfill a vision of what others can be. I remember the professor who called me out for a lack of intellectual rigor and care far more than the many who told me I was doing great, mainly because he was invested enough in my development as a graduate student to do so.

We seem to live in an era in which uniqueness and specialness is valued less and less. Highland Girls, under the direction of Ms. Foldetta, is one of the things that makes McCullough special. I’m sure that you will always have a drill team of one sort or another, whoever the director may be. Without Ms. Foldetta, however, the Highland Girls will not have the potential to make such an impact on the girls’ lives at such a crucial time."